And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
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girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.