I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
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I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.