Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
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I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Ok but actually
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!