Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
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Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.