[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
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“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Yup.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”