50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
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Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO