Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
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Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
me
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks