[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
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Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT