As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
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My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss