Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
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Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
A woman drives into a bar.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*