Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
You Might Also Like
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Dune (2021)
Taliband
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.