Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
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My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Remember folks 😂
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”