we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
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“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon