I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
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Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
If snakes were wide
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
All generalizations are stupid.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart