Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
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[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling