My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
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Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
I put the p in pants.