Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
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Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Name another movie that mislead you?
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…