7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
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I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Just had my nails done!
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.