*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
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4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
hmm conte-me mais