The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
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Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
(Jupiter –
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?