“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
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If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men