Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
You Might Also Like
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer