Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
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friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier