My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
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If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.