*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
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Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
The Joker was right
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad