[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
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If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Jogging
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.