[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
You Might Also Like
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
What if the weather talks about us?
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.