Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
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[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT