One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
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I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
another case of gang violins
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
huge if true: the moon
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem