[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
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*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
My Plans 2020
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Lucky for them, they’re cute
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.