lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
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[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Attacked by a mop.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power