good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
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To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.