The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
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INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope