Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
You Might Also Like
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry