Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
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“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Festive toon…
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers