I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
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i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet