Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
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Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
sliding into dms like
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this