80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
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I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.