If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
You Might Also Like
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I only treason on days ending in y
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath