They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
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[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I feel it
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt