ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
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The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Bring back the McRib
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
as is their right
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.