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Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life