When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
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*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal