Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
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Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.