Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
You Might Also Like
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
my first day as a raccoon
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Well, that should do it
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.