Mhm.
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grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”