Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
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I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”