Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
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I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer