The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
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I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
me refusing to leave twitter
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
No, YOUR illiterate.
taking June’s advice to heart
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire