WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
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When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
This dude got his own movie?
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me